It's been a while since I've blogged on this subject, so if you want to catch up on part one, you can read it here.
So, has it gotten any better?
Sadly enough, no. Of course, just like anything else, there are good days and bad days; but over all, I would have to say it's stayed frustratingly hard. Every day is a constant struggle to take God at His Word and keep my attitude positive.
I know you're thinking: "For real? You're a MISSIONARY. You're supposed to be the perfect Christian!" But hey friends, I'm just as normal as any other Christian young person out there. I have struggles too. In fact, being on the missionfield makes me more vulnerable to the attack of Satan. He doesn't like to see souls coming to Christ and throws anything in the way he can. -One thing in particular has been a constant "thorn in my flesh" so to speak.
Feeling inadequate still gets to me. It wrenches a knife in my heart and forces me to tears every time. As I think about it now, I think this feeling is rooted in my childhood years. There was one person in my life who was very influential, yet very detrimental to my mental, physical, and spiritual health. I was never enough for him, no matter how hard I tried. I wasn't smart enough, wasn't a good enough shot (we live in NRA country), wasn't brave enough, wasn't ladylike enough, and so forth... and I NEVER could satisfy his sensual desires. Labels like "not the best," "under par," and "not _______ing enough," are familiar to my ears and engraved deeply on my heart.
The desire for adequacy causes me to shoot high and over achieve. However, if I don't cut the cake, or someone is displeased, I am crushed to the point of depression. From there, I give up. This is a normal cycle in my life, and it needs to change. -But how?
I'm very aware that this job is over my head. I can't do it. I've done my best, but it isn't enough. No one is 100% pleased with my performance, including myself. I just didn't know what to do anymore! Regardless of capability, I'm here until the contract runs out. I'm worn out from trying to fill a role I can't fill, of trying to BE something I'm not. No, I haven't forgotten God's promises and His labels of me. (Ephesians 1) I just don't know how to apply that. What would that look like in my life for the next two weeks? What steps could/should I take?
This is when feelings collide with faith. I must put my feelings aside and act out of obedience. I know this is where God wants me right now. Obviously then, I am the right person for the job, because God makes no mistakes. Why? I don't know. I may never know. What I do know, is God's promises to me of my position in Him.
-redeemed
-chosen
-holy
-blameless
-well-pleasing
-accepted
Therefore, I must boldly and unashamedly do my best, and not apologize for what I'm not. Who am I trying to impress, anyway? In Christ, because of Christ, I am adequate. -Not just okay, but well-pleasing in God's sight.
God is pleased. Well pleased. That is all that truly matters.
So, has it gotten any better?
Sadly enough, no. Of course, just like anything else, there are good days and bad days; but over all, I would have to say it's stayed frustratingly hard. Every day is a constant struggle to take God at His Word and keep my attitude positive.
I know you're thinking: "For real? You're a MISSIONARY. You're supposed to be the perfect Christian!" But hey friends, I'm just as normal as any other Christian young person out there. I have struggles too. In fact, being on the missionfield makes me more vulnerable to the attack of Satan. He doesn't like to see souls coming to Christ and throws anything in the way he can. -One thing in particular has been a constant "thorn in my flesh" so to speak.
Feeling inadequate still gets to me. It wrenches a knife in my heart and forces me to tears every time. As I think about it now, I think this feeling is rooted in my childhood years. There was one person in my life who was very influential, yet very detrimental to my mental, physical, and spiritual health. I was never enough for him, no matter how hard I tried. I wasn't smart enough, wasn't a good enough shot (we live in NRA country), wasn't brave enough, wasn't ladylike enough, and so forth... and I NEVER could satisfy his sensual desires. Labels like "not the best," "under par," and "not _______ing enough," are familiar to my ears and engraved deeply on my heart.
The desire for adequacy causes me to shoot high and over achieve. However, if I don't cut the cake, or someone is displeased, I am crushed to the point of depression. From there, I give up. This is a normal cycle in my life, and it needs to change. -But how?
I'm very aware that this job is over my head. I can't do it. I've done my best, but it isn't enough. No one is 100% pleased with my performance, including myself. I just didn't know what to do anymore! Regardless of capability, I'm here until the contract runs out. I'm worn out from trying to fill a role I can't fill, of trying to BE something I'm not. No, I haven't forgotten God's promises and His labels of me. (Ephesians 1) I just don't know how to apply that. What would that look like in my life for the next two weeks? What steps could/should I take?
This is when feelings collide with faith. I must put my feelings aside and act out of obedience. I know this is where God wants me right now. Obviously then, I am the right person for the job, because God makes no mistakes. Why? I don't know. I may never know. What I do know, is God's promises to me of my position in Him.
-redeemed
-chosen
-holy
-blameless
-well-pleasing
-accepted
Therefore, I must boldly and unashamedly do my best, and not apologize for what I'm not. Who am I trying to impress, anyway? In Christ, because of Christ, I am adequate. -Not just okay, but well-pleasing in God's sight.
God is pleased. Well pleased. That is all that truly matters.
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